Guts Check: But Where Are Mine?

To be honest, the last few weeks I didn’t know if I would ever write anything ever again. Nor continue to record podcasts. I seriously contemplated going off the social media grid for good. As recently as yesterday.

I realize I have a flair for the dramatic and am probably experiencing a bit of exaggerated emotion, but I really was damn close to exiting stage left on all this media related activity.

My full-time career, family, life circumstances etc. always make this balancing act a challenge. It’s 100% incremental work. However, my love and passion for the Miami Heat has always been channeled into finding a way to never look at it as work and contribute. Despite the inevitable curve balls that come in this game of life.

Then Kobe Bryant passed.

It’s weird, Kobe Bryant was one of my favorite players until maybe 2004 or so. I even owned a Lakers purple #8 Kobe jersey, Champion size 36. But my fandom for Kobe seemed to take a backseat when I realized that Dwyane was the closest player to him in the league and that was OUR GUY. I had to side with Dwyane and in that decision came a suppression of my fandom for Kobe Bryant. I had never connected those dots until recently because I guess I never had a reason to unpack it in this way.

But underneath the Kobe vs Wade debates that I had taken part of throughout the last 15 years, I now see that Kobe Bryant is one of my favorite players of all time.

First, he was the closest thing I had ever seen to Michael Jordan, which truthfully, I wasn’t sure I would ever see anyone similar the rest of my life. Then, as Dwyane emerged as a mega star, Bryant became the great measuring stick I used to compare my favorite athlete to ever live – Dwyane Wade – to that of the all-time greats.

When I heard the tragic news of the helicopter accident and that Bryant had died, I was in shock like we all were. Up until that moment it hadn’t occurred to me that I never even considered the possibility that Kobe Bryant, or any of these seemingly invincible, larger than life athletes could ever die.

It may sound childish and/or naive, but people like Kobe Bryant aren’t supposed to die. They live forever and we celebrate them until father time prevails.

It reminded me of my own mortality. It reminded me that the time spent with my family is all temporary and delicate. It reminded me that tomorrow isn’t promised for me or any of the people I love.

You would think with all the daily spiritual practices I am immersed in, all the subjective prayer and yoga meditation I do to maintain in fit spiritual condition, that I would be in touch with this reality. But I had fallen asleep.

And that scares me. It made me evaluate how I am spending my time.

Do I bury my face in my phone when I am around my loved ones because of Heat tweets?

Do I sacrifice being present to the moment with my family in the name of ensuring I see every second of a road game at Atlanta – all because I need to see what you are tweeting and ensure you are also engaging with my tweets?

Am I putting my relatively self-centered obsession with Heat basketball ahead of more important things, a daily decision that will one day manifest in feelings of guilt and remorse?

I know I am being irrational to a degree, but it made me take a hard look. I couldn’t ignore it.

The line between this being a healthy creative outlet and an ego trip runs directly through me.

I have friends who need friends. I have loved ones who need love. I have people in all walks of my life who need support in various ways.

So, what the hell am I doing all this for? Am I really going to make a career out of this? Is all this time worth it if it is just a hobby? Is NBA basketball even important enough to focus on?

All this squawking about Heat playoff seeding and recent losses, analyzing this GAME just seemed so empty and shallow. In a way it still does.

Then it hit me.

You do this because you love it.

You do this because you owe it to those around you to be an example to pursue what you are passionate about and just f*cking go for it. You also owe it to those same people to show them how to find this balance that has seemingly eluded me. Life is so damn short man, why not do what makes you happy and do it with intensity? Why not have the guts to find that balance?

My son is as interested in (and as knowledgeable as I am about the Heat) regarding his favorite subject- dinosaurs. He tells me every day he will grow up to be a paleontologist. And I believe him.

But what would abandoning my passion because of self centered grief say to my son when life speeds up and he may flinch at his dream of being a paleontologist?

What would it teach my children about making the most of every moment? Because the Now is all there ever is. Ever.

What would it teach them about finding a healthy balance? Something I have only learned a mere 4 years ago or so..

This thought of abandoning all my deepest passions and retreating from life – effectively cutting myself off from the world outside my own walls – was all ego masquerading as virtue.

That action would say that I was approaching life with the wrong mentality. Acting as a victim of my own inner judge. A prisoner that built my own cell. Nothing could be further from Mamba Mentality.

I don’t even know if this is 1,000 words will resonate with anyone other than myself. It damn sure is a far cry from some of the amazing stuff I have read regarding Kobe in recent weeks.

But I needed to write it. Sometimes putting pen to paper is cathartic and removes that which blocks me from the creative intelligence of the universe.

So, here is this week’s edition of Guts Check. Sorry I’ve been ghost recently– but I have been evaluating if I even had the guts myself.

Turns out I do.

“Everything negative – pressure, challenges – is all an opportunity for me to rise.” – Kobe Bryant

RIP Bean