Heat in Five: Your Miami Heat Season Preview Palooza!

 

JESUS FUCK MOUSE IT’S HEAT SEASON!

And I have one question for you: Can you feel the Heat?

We should all just spend the whole day going around asking people, “Can you feel the Heat? ” And then when they’re like, “Huh? Wha?” We say it louder. “CAN YOU FEEL THE HEAT???” And whenever anyone says, “ah, no, I, what,” or hesitates to say anything other than “Hell yea, I can!” we drop-kick them in the throat and run away shouting “FOR THE CULTURE.”

So what’s the 2021-22 Miami Heat gonna look like? Let’s preview it, suckas!

But, before we get going: Follow and then hit PLAY on this playlist and CRANK IT THE FUCK UP and then RUN THROUGH A FUCKING WALL HEAD FIRST.

And ok, now read on.

Ok, how excited should we be about this 2021-22 Miami Heat?

Real excited. Did you not listen to the playlist? Are you dead inside?? Are you a lifeless husk of flesh with no feelings or emotions or GUTS?

Yes, but how exactly are they going to make us feel excited? You know, basketball-wise.

Oh you want to get technical on the how. Ok. This Heat team is going to rip everyone’s throat out of their assholes and properly fuck everyone’s shit up on defense, that’s how.

So the Heat are just going to be one of those grind out defensive teams that score 70 points a night?

Not necessarily. Because, yes, they’re going to be making stops, and grabbing defensive rebounds. But then they’re gonna turn on the afterburners and ride into the Danger Zone with their skull-smashing transition ass-wrecking offense led by Jimmy, Kyle, Bam, and The Fireball Whites. The Heat are going to win games when they play defense and then turn their opponent’s missed shots into fast break points. And, with the additions of gamma ray-infused badass motherfuckers not to be trifled with, PJ Tucker and Markieff Morris, that is going to happen a lot.

What about Jimmy? Is Jimmy gonna be Jimmy Buckets This Year?

Are you high? Fuck and yes is the answer to that question.

Ok, but he looked gassed at times last season.

And you look like a bucket of shit!

What?

Look, there was this weird narrative last year that Jimmy had fallen off a bit. That’s a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe it was because he was tired from his hard play in the bubble?

Or maybe it was because he was tired from getting off your mom.

Please stop.

Look, whatever the reason for Jimmy hitting the wall last season, this whole Jimmy is fading thing is all horse cockery.

Horse what?

HORSE COCKERY. Because here’s the good news for your Miami Heat: Jimmy remains Jimmy. And thus, this remains very bad news for the rest of the NBA.

With a dong harder than volcanic rock and a willingness to attack the rim with the ferociousness of a charging frothing pitbull, Jimmy Butler remains one of the most effective players getting to the rim and drawing fouls from shit-for-brain mongoloids dumb enough to get in his way. And when he’s not drawing those fouls, he’s drawing defenders in and then kicking out to Fireball White #1 or Fireball White #2, who proceed to then go all Human Torch from the three-point line.

Moreover, Jimmy led the league last year in steals per game, and stat geeks will tell you he ranked sixth in the league in Value Over Replacement Player, fourth in Box Plus/Minus and third in Win Shares per 48 Minutes, which is basically nerd-talk for: When He Needs To, Jimmy Butler Reaches Deep Into His Big Bag of ASS WRECKAGE and Comes Through When We Need Him Most.

But didn’t Jimmy falter in the playoffs?

Sure. But that’s only because the NBA decided to royally fuck the Heat by making them play roughly 8,453 games between the previous year’s playoff run and last year’s regular season, which they crammed together with little rest time because Adam Silver is an asexual being from outer space who doesn’t understand that humans get tired and need rest to regarge. And so Jimmy was naturally, as the medical books call it, tired as fuck.

The truth is, according to NBA statsguy John Schuhmann, the Heat were 11.1 points per 100 possessions better with Jimmy Buckets on the floor (+5.2) than they were with him off the floor (-5.9). And that was with a gassed Jimmy.

No matter how you slice it, we WANT Jimmy on that wall, we NEED Jimmy on that wall.

So, don’t fret. Because Jimmy is now fully rested up, refreshed, and has a clean ass.

And that can only mean that he’s now ready to resume being the hardcore crotch-kicking-half man-half-machine we all know and love.

Why else should we be excited for this 2021-22 Miami Heat?

Because the Heat finally landed THICC BASKETBALL JESUS!!!

After playing grab ass with rumors and speculation and flirting with the possibility of coming on down to Miami, Kyle Lowry and the Miami Heat were finally able to take shit from swiping right, to fucking in the shower (proverbilly speaking) and have now joined forces to form an ass-wrecking Voltron that’s ready to crush our enemies into a fine powder and to see them driven before us and to hear the lamentations of their women.

Also, Kyle Lowry loves the ever loving shit out of playing defense. And now he’s hitting the floor with dudes who love the ever loving shit out of playing defense just as much as he does. It was just meant to be. He’s the missing piece!

How will he make us better?

It’s no secret the Heat’s offense was asstacular at times last season. But, as it always goes with star veterans who are desperate to get the fuck out of Dodge from their shitcavern teams, Kyle Lowry sent out the PATSIGNAL…. and Pat answered. And now we have a guy that’s going to alter the fortunes of a once limp-dick offense.

Kyle changes everything. He’s efficient, aggressive and smart. Instead of being one of those point guards that heaves the basketball up toward the rim like it was dipped in COVID, Kyle has a knack for knowing when to attack the basket, and when to take the smart shots. He also has a delicious, delicious ass. He knows how to keep his and his teammates’ heads in the game, and he is totally ready to kick those who wrote him off last year so hard in the face that their brains are going to explode out the backs of their heads.

Is this Tyler Herro next-step thing real? Is all that talk about trading him away last year going to mess with his game?

Ha ha ha idiots. Tyler Herro is here to impregnate all of you on this ticky-tock with his goofy hair and his awesome basketball prowess. He’s going to be all the way back, AND YOU’RE ALL GONNA FUCKING EAT IT AND YOU’RE GOING TO LIKE IT.

But so many Heat fans wanted him gone. That’s gotta screw with someone’s confidence, no?

Here’s the thing about Tyler Herro and those who wanted him gone last year: He’s apparently been leaving his fucks as tips for housekeeping at the team hotel, so don’t bother asking him for any fucks because he’s ALL OUT.

What we’ve seen in this preseason is a Tyler Herro that’s been told not to worry about the chatter and just ball the fuck out. And so, he’s come out swinging, and is fully prepared to kick the narrative that he’s nothing but a so-called Bubble Guppy into the stratosphere. And he’s going to write his name on the ashes with his piss after the narrative comes crashing down in a flaming ball somewhere in a New Mexico desert.

What about Bam? Is he finally ready to get more aggressive on offense?

Bam can and will be a monster from the word GO. He’s said as much already. He’s already a guy who mercilessly smashes the Heat’s opponents in their collective faces with a piano over and over again until their players have piano keys for teeth. Now all he has to do is bring that intensity into his offensive game. And once he does, it’s gonna be DEFCON 1 for the rest of the NBA.

We forget that Bam has only played as a starter for only two seasons, and is still a young pup at 24. He’s shown us time and again that he knows how to initiate the offense out of the high post and is developing into quite the midrange shooter off the dribble. In other words, shit is about to get ACTUAL in this motherlove.

Will Erik Spoelstra finally get the respect he deserves league wide?

Who gives a flying squirrel dick? We know that Spo is amazing and we don’t need others to validate that.

Yes, but… isn’t it time he gets serious consideration for Coach of the Year?

Well, ok, yes. And here’s our prediction: Spo will win Coach of the Year this season.

Ever since the Celtics hired Brad Stevens back in 2013 and all throughout the time since, we’ve had to deal with the ceaseless yammering of a million whining gravy-stains-on-their short sleeve shirts analytic nerds about how Brad Stevens is supposedly the best and brightest coach in the NBA because he likes math and defense or some such bull dick nonsense. And that Spo, for all his winning, was only successful because he had the luxury of having LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh suit up for him. Because Brad Stevens only coached sock puppets and not an actual NBA team filled with All Stars and big-play guys, apparently.

And yet, after Spo settled the argument of who is the better coach during the 2020 playoffs by reaching into Brad’s high-waisted mom jeans and tearing out his proverbial heart through his proverbial asshole with his beautiful basketball mind, in six games, Brad was sent packing upstairs, and the argument is officially over and John Hollinger can shove his face into a woodchipper.

So enough already with crowning a guy as the best when he never won jack dick in the NBA and let’s start recognizing Erik Spoelstra as the best coach in the league already, you numbnuts.

Shove all that unearned love of Brad Stevens into an Elon Musk billion dollar fart rocket and shoot it directly into the sun.

So, what then, can we surmise from all this?

It’s simple, really. When this Miami Heat team is fully engaged and all in BLOW UP PEOPLE’S ASSHOLES mode at the same time, people’s assholes will get blowed up. Period.

And when things get precarious and the games feel like they could swing either way, this veteran-laden team with their collective bulldog groupthink will show the NBA watching world that it’s ready to FORNICATE with its We’re-Not-Giving-A-Single-Solitary-Fuck-If-The-Other-Team-Has-Big-Time-Scorers-We’re-Not-Folding-Tonight mentality.

Prediction?

Record: 50-32; 1st in the Southeast Division, 2nd in the Eastern Conference; NBA CHAMPIONS

You can see other 5 Reasons contributors’ predictions here. Spoiler alert, only Greg, Royal and Tony have the guts to agree with our prediction of the Miami Heat ending the season atop the mountain. The rest of you cowards are DEAD to me.

Let’s go Heat.

 

Chris Joseph is a sometimes contributor to 5 Reasons Sports, an occasional podcaster, an exquisite copywriter, a stand up comedian, a novelist, a soccer enthusiast, a movie buff, and all an all around cool guy so if you ever run into him on the street, please don’t hesitate to not say hello. You can follow him on Twitter here. He loves you all very much.