Let’s Talk About Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker

Lucasfilm/Disney

The following article contains major Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker spoilers. You’ve been warned. Also, why haven’t you seen the movie yet? It’s been over a week, jeez.

No other movie franchise in the history of cinema makes fans lose their shit quite like Star Wars. And, with the release of the final chapter of the original saga — The Rise of Skywalker — this month, fans losing their shit has reached 11.

So, is The Rise of Skywalker bad? Is the Star Wars saga franchise tentpole money machine forever ruined? Is JJ Abrams a nostalgia fetishist? LET’S TALK ABOUT IT ALL.

Is Rise of Skywalker bad?
Let me start by saying this: I hate the prequels. All three of them. They are an abomination. They are three separate piles of human shit disguised as movies. A slap in the face to good storytelling, character arcs and overall good movie-making. They make no goddamn sense. There are plot holes too numerous to list here that are bigger than a Star Destroyer. In fact, they have no plot. You can’t give a discernible explanation as to what any of these movies are actually about. The Force went from being a martial arts-like philosophical ethos for those who choose a life of self-sacrifice and service towards keeping galactic peace — to whatever the hell midichlorians are. Anakin Skywalker is an insufferable weirdo with zero redeeming qualities. Padme was totally cool with him murdering people, particularly little kids. Oh yea, the prequels feature little kids being fucking MURDERED. Chewbacca and C3PO are in these movies for some reason. R2-D2 fucking flies!? George Lucas shoehorned superfluous scenes that didn’t move the plot along and served no actual purpose other than to show off his CGI skills. There are very long scenes with senators debating trade disputes. There is no central protagonist to relate to or root for like, say, a Luke or a Rey. Yoda is reduced to being a goddamn moron. The Jedi are completely useless. Padme dies at childbirth even though Leia told Luke that she has memories of her in Return of the Jedi. Darth Maul — the best character in the prequels — is eliminated in the first movie, never to return. General Grievous was sold to us as this supposedly deadly Jedi hunter but turned out to be a cowardly robot with tuberculosis. Darth Vader walks around like Frankenstein and yells “Noooooo!” JAR JAR FUCKING BINKS.

So, with all that said — sure, Rise of Skywalker has its flaws, but it’s light years better than any of the prequels. I realize that’s a weird way to gage a movie’s quality, but the only way to judge any movie in this current trilogy is by comparing them to the past trilogies; Episodes IV, V, and VI being the gold standard, and Episodes I, II and III being buckets of old lady diarrhea.

Lucasfilm/Disney

That Really Didn’t Answer The Question
Okay, here’s my official take on The Rise of Skywalker: It’s good. It’s not great, it’s not bad, it’s fine. It’s a bit of a mess at times, but it’s a fun ride. The people losing their minds over it need to calm their tits just a little bit. And here’s why: Star Wars has been and always will be for kids. It’s pure escapism. It’s fantasy. It’s not high-end cinema and it doesn’t have to be taken so fucking seriously (I’m not a fan of The Last Jedi but I didn’t get mad online about Rose or send death threats to Rian Johnson for making Luke throw a lightsaber).

I realize not everyone will view the movie through my particular lense, because not everyone has kids. But the main reason I enjoyed Rise of Skywalker so much is that I watched it through my 12-year-old son’s eyes. During every major development in the movie, I gazed over at him and saw a face filled with wonder, delight, shock, awe, and laughter. At the end, I asked what he thought. He said he loved it. He said he couldn’t believe Rey was a Palpatine. He said he was sad when he thought Chewbacca was dead but happy when they showed that he wasn’t. He said the fight scenes were awesome. This movie is for him. Just as it was for me when I was 6 or 7 and went in to watch Return of the Jedi back in the day (another Star Wars movie lambasted by critics but loved by fans). These are movies that were made to make kids happy. To immerse them in a Universe filled with weird creatures and swashbuckling adventures, and bad guys with cool black masks and people with laser swords. Everyone calm down.

Lucasfilm/Disney

What Was Good About It?
–Poe Dameron Was Given a Small Backstory, Finally. Up to this point, Poe has been just a gung-ho type of guy and a good pilot who is, well, all gung-hoey. But in RoS we get a little glimpse of his past and learn that he was a drug smuggler, which is kinda cool.

–Rey Somersaulting Over Kylo’s Oncoming Tie-Fighter And Then Slicing the Wing Off With Her Lightsaber. They showed parts of this scene in the original teaser trailer and they really shouldn’t have because it would’ve blown audiences away. Alas, it’s still a badass scene.

Lucasfilm/Disney

–Kylo’s Super-Glued Helmet. I don’t give a crap that critics are mad that this retconned Rian Johnson’s original intent in Last Jedi. That mask and his voice are cool as shit.

–HAN. Yea, I’m a sucker for JJ Abram’s nostalgia porn, fight me. Seeing Han Solo back for a few minutes gave me all of the feels.

–LANDO. Seeing Lando back in action with all his suave debonaire style on full display was a treat. And, of course Lando would be living on a planet that hosts the Star Wars version of Burning Man. Lando is the fucking coolest.

–LUKE. We all knew he’d return as a Force ghost, but it was still neat to see him not only dispense advice and encouragement to Rey, but to be a part of actually helping her in a meaningful way. Ever the hero gazing at the dual sunset.

–LEIA. It sucks that we’ll never get to see what JJ and company wanted to do with the late great Carrie Fisher to close out the saga — this was supposed to be her movie. But they were able to put together a nice send off for the Princess with the little they had to work with. It was bittersweet.

–General Hux Is The Spy! Then he dies! Haha fuck General Hux.

Lucasfilm/Disney

–Finn In Action. It was nice to see him do more stuff than just run around a casino planet or yell “REYYY!!!” for two and a half hours.

–Rey and Kylo Force Timing Each Other. Their ability to communicate via the Force and even physically hand things to each other was a cool addition in the last movie, and has some cooler uses in this one.

–Kylo/Ben Solo Channeling His Dad. In the scene where Kylo/Ben runs unarmed into the Emperor’s lair and finds himself hopelessly outnumbered and surrounded by the Knights of Ren, he gives a little shrug at them just before they fight — an I’m outnumbered but I’m gonna fight you anyway because fuck you attitude that is pure Han Solo.

Lucasfilm/Disney

What Was Bad About It?
–Emperor Palpatine’s Resurrection is Never Explained. I was generally okay with the notion that they brought back Palpatine as the bad guy, and the whole idea that he’s been masterminding everything from behind the scenes the whole time. It’s hokey, but it works. The problem is this movie never gives us an explanation as to how he got back after dying when Vader threw him down a shaft at the end of Return of the Jedi. Something about a Sith cult? Cloning? Sith powers are unnatural? Something about the Life Force? MIDICHLORIANS? If there’s a scene explaining it, it’s not memorable because I still have no fucking clue how he was suddenly back. Just lazy writing, man.

–Kylo Ren’s Redemption. I understand that a major theme in all of Star Wars is redemption. Light versus Dark. Choosing between good and evil. Yada yada yada. But I’ve never been comfortable with these evil bastards finding redemption at the last minute before they died. It worked for Vader because he found redemption through his son’s love, which ultimately led to him using his dying breath to kill the bad guy and save the day. But even then, when Anakin reappears to Luke as a Force ghost along with Obi-Wan and Yoda, he’s young and spry in the afterlife, while the other two are old and decrepit. How’s that fair to Obi-Wan and Yoda, who never turned to the darkside their entire lives?? Moreover, Kylo, like his grandfather, committed mass genocide. He murdered trillions of innocents. He murdered his own father. He tried to murder his own mother. And yet he gets to kiss the girl and die a redeemed man? Imagine if Hitler turned to religion moments before he died at the end of World War II and then that was accepted as Oh he’s in Heaven now because he suddenly felt bad about living most of his adult life exterminating 6 million Jews. Everyone cool with that? Fuck and no. Fuck Kylo’s redemption.

–The Kiss. Fuck Reylo. Fuck that kiss. Kylo Ren spends the better part of all three movies harassing Rey, trying to turn her to a life of pure evil, fucking with her mind, taunting her, murdering her friends, murdering her mentor, invading her thoughts like a damn creeper, sending her unsolicited mind-texts while sweaty and shirtless, and he gets to have a romantic moment with her just before he dies? He gets to kiss her? That’s fucking awful. Hey kids, stalk that girl to your heart’s content even if she objects because she’ll eventually come around and kiss you, just like Rey did with Kylo!

Lucasfilm/Disney

–The Star Destroyers Have Dicks Now! The big bad weaponry used by the First Order in Rise of Skywalker is a fleet of super roided up Star Destroyers each equipped with a cannon that can blow up planets. Except each cannon comes down from the bottom of each ship, and looks like a large dick. A large dick that shoots lasers. It’s very distracting.

–The Planet Where Palpatine Lives On Sounds Like Testicle. Turns out Palpatine is hiding out on a mysterious planet on the outskirts of the galaxy called Exegol, which sounds like Testicle. Again, very distracting.

–The First Half of The Movie Moves Way Too Fast. It’s hard to grasp onto the stakes. Then it tries to tie up loose ends haphazardly at the end. It’s the last movie in a nine-movie saga, adding another 45 minutes to it to make things less rushed wouldn’t have killed us.

Lucasfilm/Disney

So What Now?
The Skywalker saga is supposedly over and done with (unless Palpatine comes back again for reasons??). Ultimately, part of the problem for this new trilogy is that, instead of having one person in charge of the vision of the saga, they hired three different directors — one of which was fired mid-way through production — with three distinct visions to flesh out a complex story that carries a great deal of weight for a large number of people. Having a coherent vision is why the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies succeeded so well, even with so many different movies and directors. Kevin Feige was in charge of everything at the MCU. And so a coherent vision was put out, to the delight of critics and fans alike. But the good news for Star Wars geeks is that it seems that Disney has wised up because they hired Kevin Feige to head up an all-new Star Wars saga in a few years. So, maybe there will be less shit for people to get mad about. Maybe. Probably not, though.

Chris Joseph (@ByChrisJoseph) is a host of the Five Reasons comedy podcast, Ballscast. He’s written about sports and movies for Deadspin, Miami New Times, CBS Sports, and several other outlets.